Sometimes its OKAY

Wow its been a long time--I have recently been reading some very touching blogs and I think its time I record my ups and downs. I have a journal. A journal I keep hidden from people, a journal I write in when Im angry or frustrated...a journal I would want anyone EVER reading, but it helps me clear out the negative. Thats what I want this blog to be and if nobody ever reads it--thats okay!

As I have gotten older I am finding it harder to trust. When I was younger and most likely more naive, I had breath taking conversations with complete strangers. I knew how to connect with people. I have always been a bit shy--but once I feel comfortable I dont mind opening up and becoming vulnerable because I feel like thats what makes a person real. That makes a person feel connected when you expose your vulnerability. But as I get older and more busy I find it almost draining to connect or stay connected with people. I can barely keep up with my own life let alone keep up with my neighbor who I pass by everyday. What makes a person (me) change like this? Have I became a selfish, self-centered human being? Is it because my life now revolves around a busy little girl and a family I am trying to support? Its even hard to keep up with my own family and friends lives--ya know deeper then the occasional 'How are you' text. I long for that authentic genuine connection with people whom I love, and also people whom I just met. Id like to share a note I wrote when I was at a low point a few months ago. And as I read through this again myself I find that it was OKAY for me to feel that way. I obviously wrote it when I was down, but in that moment it was how I felt. And thats OKAY. I feel differently now--and I probably even felt differently the very next day. But this is how I felt on November 7th, 2013:

"I wish I could turn back the hands of time.

I regret a lot of things. Some people say 'live with no regrets'--well I live with regrets. Some mistake I truly wouldn't change--I learned from them and grew and became a better person. Some mistakes have came back to haunt me.

I just found out that I did not get into the nursing program. To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. Of course the #1 thing I want to be is a Mom. But with Dallas being a teacher--we are going to need a second income. Kinzlee is use to not having a Mom anyway because I'm too busy working to provide for my family.

I have worked my ass off my entire life and have nothing--nothing to show for it. I have worked--oh have I worked--I have been yelled at, pooped on, thrown up on, worked all night, worked all day, stayed hours after a shift, came in hours before a shift, seen death (lots and lots), felt death, prayed for our patients on the bathroom floor,  been called stupid, been called smart, been called an angel, I have brought smiles to peoples faces, I have wiped tears, I have seen pain, I have felt pain, I have smiled through pain, I have seen desperate, I have seen life, I have seen things no 24 year old should see, and most of all I have seen how I CAN make a difference in someone's life. But all that doesn't matter. All that REALLY matter is I have 2 B's on my transcript from 7 years ago--therefore Im not good enough for THERE nursing program. Right?

I have gone to school--oh I have gone to school. I started right out of high school. Regret. The only thing I knew--I wanted to play! So I played--I played and I went to college. I didn't get terrible grades--in fact I got pretty good grades--but I could've gotten better. Everyone always told me to go to nursing school--But for one reason or another I didn't want to at that time. Regret. Then I married Dallas. He lost his job 2 weeks before we got married. So I quit school to work. Regret. But I loved my job. But my marriage was suffering so we moved to Boise. I got a job--and went to school. I decided I wanted to go into nursing--Surprise Surprise a ton of my credits didn't transfer. SO I start over. Then we were working "too much" so we no longer got finical aid. How convenient! Dallas Dad worked at BYUI and he would get 2 free years if we moved back how convenient--soo we quit our jobs and moved back. We JUST went to school. I got dang good grades-- So I went to school--just school for a semester until we found out I was pregnant. Which was awesome--we had been trying for a year. It was my turn to stop school again and provide for our family after one semester of freedom. I found a job-- a really really good job in which I genuinely enjoy. I have a baby --take a few months off maternity leave and head back to work and provide AND go to school. Regret.

I have a baby--oh I have the cutest baby girl around! I have a baby but I don't feel like a Mom. Why? Because I wake up at 6am--hours before she wakes up--I go to work. I work all day--calling whom ever happens to have her that day checking on her and telling her "I love you and miss you" through a telephone. They say she smiles when I talk--but I don't get to see the smile. She smells like there house when she gets home. MY baby smells like someone else. Oh, I'm beyond grateful for those family members that want to watch her, but it's still hurts. I bore her. I remember feeling those kicks in my tummy--so excited to be called Mommy!  That excitement has turned to pain. It's painful being a mom but not being a mom. Then after work I come home and HAVE to meet online with my group so I can actually get a decent grade in my math class. Then I scarf down dinner that I may or may not have to cook before hand because my husband is done watching the baby and it's my "turn" and she is screaming for me anyway. I see the dishes in the sink. I see the laundry on the floor--and in my heart I want to be a supermom, but I try--oh I try so hard to dedicate a little time to being a Mom instead. I love being a Mom. I love that small part of my life.  But my physical body is drained and I'm tired. So I'm a bad Mom. Instead I sit on the couch and get annoyed that the dishes are dirty, laundry isn't done , and that I had to work all day. I just need a break--I tell myself.  I regret feeling that way once I see my baby start to rub her eyes. She's tired and ready for bed. Then suddenly I miss her. I miss her even before she closes her eyes knowing I won't see her until dinner time the next day. I try and get her to cuddle--lay in bed with me-- anything really for another moment with her. But she wants to be laid down. So I lay her down. NOW I get time to relax?! But I see my husband standing in the hallway ready for some much needed attention. But we both have homework...so we settle in next to each other on the couch and have a romantic night doing homework and not talking or interacting at all. I'm lonely. Before I know it--it's 11 o'clock and I'm exhausted. I tell Dallas I'm tired and going to bed even though I'm not done with my homework and the dishes are still dirty and laundry isn't done. I feel like a complete failure but at this point I'm to tired to care.

I know there are people out there with bigger problems. I sympathizes for them. I have seen them with my own eyes. I have seen worlds flipped upside down with the news that there baby, or husband or Mom or best friend won't be coming home. I have seen with my own eyes the pain and fear in a parents eyes as there child get diagnosed with leukemia. I have seen the numbness. Staring at me in the face. I can't feel these peoples pain. I can't feel it--but I see it. I won't pretend I know how these people feel or that my problems are even comparable to there's, but it hurts. Life just hurts sometimes and it's okay to admit that.

Today my life hurts. Today I feel like a failure. But tomorrow I will wake up, and I will go to work and school and I will be a wife and mother because like it or not---life never stops. I wish it did sometimes though. And thats OKAY."