Sometimes its OKAY

Wow its been a long time--I have recently been reading some very touching blogs and I think its time I record my ups and downs. I have a journal. A journal I keep hidden from people, a journal I write in when Im angry or frustrated...a journal I would want anyone EVER reading, but it helps me clear out the negative. Thats what I want this blog to be and if nobody ever reads it--thats okay!

As I have gotten older I am finding it harder to trust. When I was younger and most likely more naive, I had breath taking conversations with complete strangers. I knew how to connect with people. I have always been a bit shy--but once I feel comfortable I dont mind opening up and becoming vulnerable because I feel like thats what makes a person real. That makes a person feel connected when you expose your vulnerability. But as I get older and more busy I find it almost draining to connect or stay connected with people. I can barely keep up with my own life let alone keep up with my neighbor who I pass by everyday. What makes a person (me) change like this? Have I became a selfish, self-centered human being? Is it because my life now revolves around a busy little girl and a family I am trying to support? Its even hard to keep up with my own family and friends lives--ya know deeper then the occasional 'How are you' text. I long for that authentic genuine connection with people whom I love, and also people whom I just met. Id like to share a note I wrote when I was at a low point a few months ago. And as I read through this again myself I find that it was OKAY for me to feel that way. I obviously wrote it when I was down, but in that moment it was how I felt. And thats OKAY. I feel differently now--and I probably even felt differently the very next day. But this is how I felt on November 7th, 2013:

"I wish I could turn back the hands of time.

I regret a lot of things. Some people say 'live with no regrets'--well I live with regrets. Some mistake I truly wouldn't change--I learned from them and grew and became a better person. Some mistakes have came back to haunt me.

I just found out that I did not get into the nursing program. To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. Of course the #1 thing I want to be is a Mom. But with Dallas being a teacher--we are going to need a second income. Kinzlee is use to not having a Mom anyway because I'm too busy working to provide for my family.

I have worked my ass off my entire life and have nothing--nothing to show for it. I have worked--oh have I worked--I have been yelled at, pooped on, thrown up on, worked all night, worked all day, stayed hours after a shift, came in hours before a shift, seen death (lots and lots), felt death, prayed for our patients on the bathroom floor,  been called stupid, been called smart, been called an angel, I have brought smiles to peoples faces, I have wiped tears, I have seen pain, I have felt pain, I have smiled through pain, I have seen desperate, I have seen life, I have seen things no 24 year old should see, and most of all I have seen how I CAN make a difference in someone's life. But all that doesn't matter. All that REALLY matter is I have 2 B's on my transcript from 7 years ago--therefore Im not good enough for THERE nursing program. Right?

I have gone to school--oh I have gone to school. I started right out of high school. Regret. The only thing I knew--I wanted to play! So I played--I played and I went to college. I didn't get terrible grades--in fact I got pretty good grades--but I could've gotten better. Everyone always told me to go to nursing school--But for one reason or another I didn't want to at that time. Regret. Then I married Dallas. He lost his job 2 weeks before we got married. So I quit school to work. Regret. But I loved my job. But my marriage was suffering so we moved to Boise. I got a job--and went to school. I decided I wanted to go into nursing--Surprise Surprise a ton of my credits didn't transfer. SO I start over. Then we were working "too much" so we no longer got finical aid. How convenient! Dallas Dad worked at BYUI and he would get 2 free years if we moved back how convenient--soo we quit our jobs and moved back. We JUST went to school. I got dang good grades-- So I went to school--just school for a semester until we found out I was pregnant. Which was awesome--we had been trying for a year. It was my turn to stop school again and provide for our family after one semester of freedom. I found a job-- a really really good job in which I genuinely enjoy. I have a baby --take a few months off maternity leave and head back to work and provide AND go to school. Regret.

I have a baby--oh I have the cutest baby girl around! I have a baby but I don't feel like a Mom. Why? Because I wake up at 6am--hours before she wakes up--I go to work. I work all day--calling whom ever happens to have her that day checking on her and telling her "I love you and miss you" through a telephone. They say she smiles when I talk--but I don't get to see the smile. She smells like there house when she gets home. MY baby smells like someone else. Oh, I'm beyond grateful for those family members that want to watch her, but it's still hurts. I bore her. I remember feeling those kicks in my tummy--so excited to be called Mommy!  That excitement has turned to pain. It's painful being a mom but not being a mom. Then after work I come home and HAVE to meet online with my group so I can actually get a decent grade in my math class. Then I scarf down dinner that I may or may not have to cook before hand because my husband is done watching the baby and it's my "turn" and she is screaming for me anyway. I see the dishes in the sink. I see the laundry on the floor--and in my heart I want to be a supermom, but I try--oh I try so hard to dedicate a little time to being a Mom instead. I love being a Mom. I love that small part of my life.  But my physical body is drained and I'm tired. So I'm a bad Mom. Instead I sit on the couch and get annoyed that the dishes are dirty, laundry isn't done , and that I had to work all day. I just need a break--I tell myself.  I regret feeling that way once I see my baby start to rub her eyes. She's tired and ready for bed. Then suddenly I miss her. I miss her even before she closes her eyes knowing I won't see her until dinner time the next day. I try and get her to cuddle--lay in bed with me-- anything really for another moment with her. But she wants to be laid down. So I lay her down. NOW I get time to relax?! But I see my husband standing in the hallway ready for some much needed attention. But we both have homework...so we settle in next to each other on the couch and have a romantic night doing homework and not talking or interacting at all. I'm lonely. Before I know it--it's 11 o'clock and I'm exhausted. I tell Dallas I'm tired and going to bed even though I'm not done with my homework and the dishes are still dirty and laundry isn't done. I feel like a complete failure but at this point I'm to tired to care.

I know there are people out there with bigger problems. I sympathizes for them. I have seen them with my own eyes. I have seen worlds flipped upside down with the news that there baby, or husband or Mom or best friend won't be coming home. I have seen with my own eyes the pain and fear in a parents eyes as there child get diagnosed with leukemia. I have seen the numbness. Staring at me in the face. I can't feel these peoples pain. I can't feel it--but I see it. I won't pretend I know how these people feel or that my problems are even comparable to there's, but it hurts. Life just hurts sometimes and it's okay to admit that.

Today my life hurts. Today I feel like a failure. But tomorrow I will wake up, and I will go to work and school and I will be a wife and mother because like it or not---life never stops. I wish it did sometimes though. And thats OKAY."

Is already MAY?

~**This girl LOVES her Daddy**~

~**Boise**~
**We went to Boise recently. It was such a great trip! ALL my brothers and sisters were there and we had a big BBQ! Kinzlee did SO well. I was really nervous, but she slept most of the way there, and she only cried for about 20 minutes on the way home. Dallas went to the hockey game with my brothers one night, and we just relaxed. We also found out that my sis-in-law Sharis is going to have a BABY!!! We are so excited for Kara and her new addition in Sept. and Sharis in Nov.! Bentley loved to hold Kinz...although she would only hold her for about 10 seconds. She will be such a great big sister!

 ~**One of my best friends Kallie has a little girl only a few months older then Kinzlee. We hang out with them a lot and there is no doubt these girls are going to BFF's one day! ha ha!**~

~**We went bowling for the first time with Kinzlee. I use to be a dang good bowler...then I got pregnant and could barley move...so we hadnt been bowling in a long time. I'm still a bit rusty but we are going to go more often with our friends Bobbie & Jose**~

~**Kinzlee's cousin Jackson gave her a new COOL toy! She seriously LOVES it! She's a funny girl...she likes to kick the toys instead of play with her hands. She has figured out how to make the music play by kicking really hard. Its so dang cute. Thanks Wes, Brooke, Cooper, and especially Jackson for the entertaining toy!**~

Kinzlee's Blessing

~**KiNzLeE's bLeSsInG dAy**~
**EaStEr SuNdAy MaRcH 31, 2013**


**We celebrated Easter this year by blessing our baby girl. She looked like an angel. My Mom bought her a pretty blessing dress--which fit perfect. Dallas gave her a beautiful blessing. There were many things said that I will forever remember. Kinzlee is an innocent perfect human being. Through the power of the priesthood and with her Daddy being the mouth piece of Heavenly Father--I know that he has an amazing life path for Kinzlee. As I have watched my nieces and nephews grow up--and now my own child--I have realized that they truly have been preserved for these days. They are so smart, so aware, and seem programed for a higher path then I could ever imagine. Every day I watch her grow---she grows physically, mentally, and socially--and although its sad to see her getting so big (I just love babies) I'm honestly enjoying every stage. I'm amazed everyday to see the things she learns and her progression. She makes my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. There was no better way to celebrate Christ's Resurrection this Easter Sunday then to hold our perfect baby, and to give our thanks to Heavenly Father for blessing our lives with Kinzlee Elizabeth Smith.**

Inadequacy of Motherhood

There is no such thing as inadequacy as a mother. Its hard. Its scary. But as long as we are trying things will work out. I always had a picture in my mind of how motherhood would be---I wasn't completely off, but its defiantly different then I expected. Its a lot harder. There is so much more worry. Im worried about her in the present and in the future. I think about her pretty much every second of everyday. Dallas and I are really trying to be good parents. And although there are a few things that Im NOT good at:
** I dont like to clip her nails so they are long until my sis/sis-in-law clip them.
** I'm still scared to feed her a bottle because she chokes(not so much any more but she use to), and I'm use to breastfeeding.
** I dont like hearing her sad or cry so the second I hear her sad I get nervous---especially when other people are holding her because I dont want them to think I have a fussy baby and I'm a bad Mom.
**I still dont like to take her in public that much---too many germ. (I need to get over this one)
**And many many more
BUT despite these things I'm not so good at, I also have many things that I am good at. I am trying so hard to be a good Mom. I love my baby more then I could even imagine. She is being raised by parents that care about her. She is being raised by parents that love her. She is a happy baby who loves to talk to us and be around us. There is no such thing as inadequacy of motherhood---as long as you are trying.

~MaRcH MaDdNeSs~

**I cant believe March has come....and almost gone.**

I had my 24th birthday...CRAZY! It was a relaxing day hanging out with Kinz, and then dinner and ice cream with our little family. Dallas made me a cake---but after orange leaf my stomach could stretch no further. Oh...and I got some sweet new kicks (as well as pants, treats, $$$)!

We went and visited my Grandma Schaat---Kinzlee LOVED her!! She laughed and giggled the whole night! It was really cute!

Kinzlee is a strong little girl. She loves to kick and wiggle. She is holding her head up so good and discovered her hands a few weeks ago. She attempts to suck her thumb, but Daddy quickly replaces her thumb with a binky! I think its rather cute...but he DOES NOT want a thumb-sucker :)

She still loves her baths! We have a little routine--feed, bath, bed. We started by putting her to bed around 10:30, and now she goes to be no later then 9:00 and usually is ready before then! Dallas has been great at the nightly routine, while I get things ready for work the next day. She usually sleeps 10-12 hours...which is GREAT....but that means I dont get to feed her in the morning so I really miss her all day.

She loves to sleep with her hands like this!! 

She poops once a day (either at noon or 5)...and usually it looks like this....

 

She went to church for the first time where exactly 4 people touched her face (WHYYYY?). Drives me nuts, and thats why I dont want to go to church or any other public place. I have no problem with people telling me she is beautiful, but unless I have seen you wash your hands, or use sanitizer...dont touch my baby. Thank you. Oh, and she did really good at church. She is an angel!
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I have one day a week off from work. I call it our 'girls day' because Dallas is at school. This week I painted her nails, went to lunch with Sadie & Charlee AND got her ears pierced!! Sadie held her while I looked away. She cried for a solid minute--the saddest cry in the whole world, and I felt like a terrible mom--but she was just fine in a few minutes. They dont seem bother her, and she looks SO DANG CUTE!

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Kinzlee is really starting to talk. Its more like a yell/jabber, but its been so fun. She will chuckle and giggle, and Dallas and I have a competition on if she will say Da Da first or Ma Ma. She just smiles at us---as if she is saying--'You dorks!' She looks like she wants to roll over sometimes, and trys to sit up when we are changing her diaper. She is pulling her feet up a lot more, so I wouldn't be surprised if she discovers her feet soon! She DOES NOT like to be left alone. If we leave the room she starts to get sad, but as long as we have her in her bumbo and pack her around she is happy happy. She truly brings so much joy and happiness into our lives.

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~**"“Yes, life is precious! No one can cuddle a cherished newborn baby, look into those beautiful eyes, feel the little fingers, and caress that miraculous creation without deepening reverence for life and for our Creator. Life comes from life. It is a gift from our Heavenly Father. It is eternal, as he is eternal.”~** -Russel M. Nelson

**As I hold my little one in my arms I study her perfect wrinkles, her little fingers, her flawless skin, and its as if she knows I'm starring at her-- she opens her beautiful blue eyes and smiles.**

Moments like these literally take my breath away. When I look into her eyes I know I am getting a glimpse of heaven. I have honestly never felt so much purpose in life. I love waking up in the morning knowing that I get to cuddle Kinzlee girl. She is growing up way to fast. Here's what Kinzlee's little life looks like so far at almost 3 months old:

**She sleeps through the night (7-9 hours), and has for almost a month now! I remember waking up one morning and it was light in our room...I jumped up and ran to her room where she was fast asleep! Its so refreshing being able to sleep again.

**She's a petite little girl. At her 2 month check up she weighed 9.6lbs & 22 inches long.

**She likes her tummy. She is SO proud of herself when she lays on her tummy. We tell her how big she is and she grins.

**She loves her "friends" on a mobile in her crib. We turn on the music and immediately she smiles and looks for them.

**She loves bath time---But hates getting dressed after.

**She is attached to her Mommy & Daddy. She knows when we aren't holding her and actually has to warm up to most people. 

**She is a MOVER---we just let her kick kick kick, and wiggle wiggle wiggle. She will lay in my lap and kick for a solid hour. She's gonna be a busy one!

**She doesn't like to be bundled unless she is really tired. She likes her hands out, and even if we bundled her she finds a way to squeeze her arms out!

**She is a happy baby...she is smiling a lot more, and likes to talk talk talk. 

**Her neck and tummy are ticklish! 

~**Our little family~**

~**Anyone that knows me---knows I adore kids.**~
I have too many boyfriends to count, and believe it or not I like my girl time too--playing barbies and house--ya know that kind of stuff!
I have always wanted to be a mommy.
**When Dallas and I got married--he wanted kids right away. Although he CLAIMS he didn't "really" but he did. I wanted to wait. And guess who always wins....ME!
**Over the next couple years we didn't really talk about having kids. We were just working and playing--AND trying to figure out the adjustments of being married. Marriage is hard. I mean lets be honest--men suck sometimes ;)!
**Finally we decided to THINK about having a child. A very wise person told us to start praying that we would know when the time was right--so we prayed. Every night we prayed--month after month after month--we prayed. Nothing.
**After months and months of prayer we got our answer--it was time!!! We were both really scared and excited--it was TIME!!!
**I honestly thought I would get pregnant right away--lets just say the Schaat's are "fertile mertiles!" After the first month I knew something was wrong--I just had a feeling.
**I wont go into details, but after a few months of research I started the dreaded--fertility. We prayed--day after day after day--month after month after month--we prayed.
**It was a ROLLER COASTER of emotion. Physically and mentally draining on both of us.
**We decided to move back to eastern Idaho-- I told Dallas the move alone would get me pregnant--this area is KNOWN for babies--LO AND BEHOLD-- 2 months later and over a year after doing fertility I was PREGNANT!!
**Every single doctors visit-- was worth it. Every single dollar spent-- was worth it. Every single prayer-- was worth it. Every single tear-- was worth it.

**~Our little card to announce the up coming birth!~**

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