A lot has changed sense March 2014. It's crazy to go back and read this blog--I honestly forgot I had written some of that stuff. Life as we know it has completely changed--for the better!!
Our family update:
Dallas is still handsome as ever! He is going to school full time and only has a year left! Yay! He hangs out with Kinz while I'm at school--and plays ball when he can. He truly is such a great little Daddy and would do anything for his girls. He has been so well in school and I am proud of him and all of his accomplishments.
I quit my job!! In August I quit my job to start nursing school at BYUI!! I am now halfway through my first semester and literally shed tears of joy on a weekly bases for where I'm at right now. It's a dream come true and I'm loving it!
We moved in with the in-laws so we could keep Kinz out of daycare and finish school. We both will be graduating December 2015! To say I'm excited would be and understatement!! I already have the blueprints for our future house picked out (and Im not joking). I'm beyond ready for the next phase of our lives and expanding our little family :) (eventually)! But we feel so blessed that we can start dreaming of the future and really making our dreams reality.
Kinzlee is a busy almost 2 year old! She is SO beautiful. She is starting to talk and creating sentences.  She is very smart--I'm amazed out how smart these little ones are! She has tue cutest laugh and smile. She loves babies--I mean LOVES them. All she wants to do--all day--is read books and rock her babies. She doesn't like to play independently, she'd rather be curled up in your lap being read to. She is still tall and skinny--and has a soft voice. She adores her cousins and Uncle Jake. She rules our house--and despite trying not to give her whatever she wants she usually gets whatever she wants! She is always reminding us to say prayer and yells "AAAMMEEN!" She is also very lovey and will randomly give me hugs and kisses. She still eats like a bird--but always asking for treats. HA! I could go on and on and on about how amazing this little girl is but I think that's a good update!
We are truly blessed.

Surreal

**~**As I reflect on my life there have been moments I have looked forward to sense I was a young girl**~**

One of the moments that gave me butterflies to even think about was--chasing my kids around the house. I know--not your typical response on the top 3 things you look forward to in life!

On Sunday we were at my sister in laws house and I was sitting on the floor watching the kids run around. My daughter who is15 months has just figured out how to walk with out looking like a drunk sailor. She waddled on over to where I was sitting laughing and giggling the whole time. I turned around on my hands and knees and playful yelled..."Im gonna get you...you better RUN little girl...Im gonna GET YOU!" She looks at me a little surprised and TAKES OFF running as fast as her little body will let her--but its more like a march/giggling so hard that she falls over run! Then I realize...

This very moment is what I have been waiting for my entire life. Its happening. And its so beautiful yet so so surreal. I am so grateful that my mind let me take a few seconds in the mist of the giggles to reconize that this moment--right here--right now--is a dream come true. The purest form of happiness and I have been thinking about it non stop sense Sunday.

I am grateful today and every day for the life that Heavenly Father has blessing me with. I have fulfilled a lot of "moments" that I have looked forward to. I am blessed.

These are some pictures from the past few weeks:

  

**Things Aren't Always as They Seem**

        A few weeks ago we headed to church...15 minutes late...but our favorite seats on the back row were still open! I believe in the church and I LOVE the gospel--it has brought so much joy and happiness into my life, but going to church on Sunday hasnt always been my strongest spot. ANYWAY--- as we were sitting there trying our best to keep our little 1 year old entertained I couldnt help but noticed (and hear) the other family on the back row. Our chairs were far into the church gym and her kids (who were old enough to know better) were literally screaming, running, and being very disruptive despite the mothers best effort at trying to keep them quite. She was frustrated. This family also looked very "new" to our church. I dont want to go into much detail, but you could just tell they hadnt been active very long. I wanted to help. I wanted them to fit in and feel loved and accepted--but what could I do? I looked over at my beautiful daughter who was now content in Daddy's arms while eating fruit snacks--FRUIT SNACKS--my answer! I pulled out a handful of fruit snacks and kept glancing over to the family to find my best opportunity to lure the kids in and give them fruit snacks if they promised to give their Mom a break. I kept glancing. No opportunity yet. The kids are getting really restless now. Glance. Glance again--the Mother is staring me straight in the face as if to say--"Dont judge me." But I dont care because she doesnt know I am going to HELP her! Im excited. Im so glad I came to church today. Glance again...ready to take action..........

And the Mother quickly packs up all the kids stuff and drags them out of the meeting.

Suddenly my heart breaks.

Did I offend them? Did I glance one to many times and now they are never coming back to church because the Mormons are judgmental (just like they had always thought), rude, and did nothing to help an obviously struggling mom. Was I going to be the story she tells all her friends about coming to church and not fitting in and everyone stared at them? When all I really wanted to do was.......give them fruit snacks?

I will never know why she quickly got up and left church that day. Maybe it was simply because she was fed up with the way her kids were acting (we've all been there) and decided to take the kids home. But maybe I was the reason? If I ever get the chance I will apologize to this lady--and explain the fruit snacks--maybe she wont even remember--but maybe she will.

I often times think that we--as a human race--are too quick to judge! I have recently started to go to the gym--a place were I feel totally out of my comfort zone. I go alone. I wear baggy basketball shorts and an old t-shirt from high school. Thats what I feel comfortable in. I quickly realized that I am out of place. Most of the women that I see are in skin tight tanks with a perfect body and booty shorts--with the occasional older women in a long sleeve retro sweats and killing it on the stair stepper. The men ALL know what there doing--ripped to perfection and walking around tall and proud--with the occasional over weight man on the treadmill with his hoody on and sweating bullets. The same people--EVERY NIGHT--so I feel like I have a huge target on my back that says: NEW. AND OBVIOUSLY DOESNT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

When I go I think--

"These people probably think Im crazy for coming to the gym--look at me I look disgusting."
"I hope my love handles arent bulging out like they were at home when I looked in the mirror."
"I feel like everyone is staring at me. Like they are "judging" me. I dont belong here."
"I can barley do a ten minute mile? I better cover my time up so people dont know how bad I suck."
"I wish I could weigh what I did in high school...and I thought I was overweight then...HA"
"Maybe I should double up my sports bras...I feel like the girls are out of control...I know people think I look stupid running with the girls bouncing all over the place."
"I dont belong here."
"How does this machine work? Im not even going to try...I will look like a fool."

My question is: Are THEY judging me--or am I judging them?

The longer I have been going to the gym, the more comfortable and confident I have gotten. And I realize (just like church) these people are NOT judging me. In fact they are silently cheering me on! They are thinking--you got this girl! Yeah I see those love handles but I also see you doing 100 crunches--dont worry they'll start shrinking...you got this girl! And how do I know this? Because I am the one that notices the "new girl." And I can see the fear in her eyes...and I want to go up to her and say--"YOU GOT THIS GIRL!"
 **By the way I have only been going to the gym for a month so dont think Im the chick in the tank and booty shorts--Im still in my basketball shorts and t-shirt and have a long ways to go** But I have tried to change my thinking---Things arent ALWAYS as the seem.
My baby is awake from her nap---so I guess this post is done. I had SO many different directions I wanted to go with it, but maybe short, simple, and to the point is just what it was meant to be.
Think positive!

Sometimes its OKAY

Wow its been a long time--I have recently been reading some very touching blogs and I think its time I record my ups and downs. I have a journal. A journal I keep hidden from people, a journal I write in when Im angry or frustrated...a journal I would want anyone EVER reading, but it helps me clear out the negative. Thats what I want this blog to be and if nobody ever reads it--thats okay!

As I have gotten older I am finding it harder to trust. When I was younger and most likely more naive, I had breath taking conversations with complete strangers. I knew how to connect with people. I have always been a bit shy--but once I feel comfortable I dont mind opening up and becoming vulnerable because I feel like thats what makes a person real. That makes a person feel connected when you expose your vulnerability. But as I get older and more busy I find it almost draining to connect or stay connected with people. I can barely keep up with my own life let alone keep up with my neighbor who I pass by everyday. What makes a person (me) change like this? Have I became a selfish, self-centered human being? Is it because my life now revolves around a busy little girl and a family I am trying to support? Its even hard to keep up with my own family and friends lives--ya know deeper then the occasional 'How are you' text. I long for that authentic genuine connection with people whom I love, and also people whom I just met. Id like to share a note I wrote when I was at a low point a few months ago. And as I read through this again myself I find that it was OKAY for me to feel that way. I obviously wrote it when I was down, but in that moment it was how I felt. And thats OKAY. I feel differently now--and I probably even felt differently the very next day. But this is how I felt on November 7th, 2013:

"I wish I could turn back the hands of time.

I regret a lot of things. Some people say 'live with no regrets'--well I live with regrets. Some mistake I truly wouldn't change--I learned from them and grew and became a better person. Some mistakes have came back to haunt me.

I just found out that I did not get into the nursing program. To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. Of course the #1 thing I want to be is a Mom. But with Dallas being a teacher--we are going to need a second income. Kinzlee is use to not having a Mom anyway because I'm too busy working to provide for my family.

I have worked my ass off my entire life and have nothing--nothing to show for it. I have worked--oh have I worked--I have been yelled at, pooped on, thrown up on, worked all night, worked all day, stayed hours after a shift, came in hours before a shift, seen death (lots and lots), felt death, prayed for our patients on the bathroom floor,  been called stupid, been called smart, been called an angel, I have brought smiles to peoples faces, I have wiped tears, I have seen pain, I have felt pain, I have smiled through pain, I have seen desperate, I have seen life, I have seen things no 24 year old should see, and most of all I have seen how I CAN make a difference in someone's life. But all that doesn't matter. All that REALLY matter is I have 2 B's on my transcript from 7 years ago--therefore Im not good enough for THERE nursing program. Right?

I have gone to school--oh I have gone to school. I started right out of high school. Regret. The only thing I knew--I wanted to play! So I played--I played and I went to college. I didn't get terrible grades--in fact I got pretty good grades--but I could've gotten better. Everyone always told me to go to nursing school--But for one reason or another I didn't want to at that time. Regret. Then I married Dallas. He lost his job 2 weeks before we got married. So I quit school to work. Regret. But I loved my job. But my marriage was suffering so we moved to Boise. I got a job--and went to school. I decided I wanted to go into nursing--Surprise Surprise a ton of my credits didn't transfer. SO I start over. Then we were working "too much" so we no longer got finical aid. How convenient! Dallas Dad worked at BYUI and he would get 2 free years if we moved back how convenient--soo we quit our jobs and moved back. We JUST went to school. I got dang good grades-- So I went to school--just school for a semester until we found out I was pregnant. Which was awesome--we had been trying for a year. It was my turn to stop school again and provide for our family after one semester of freedom. I found a job-- a really really good job in which I genuinely enjoy. I have a baby --take a few months off maternity leave and head back to work and provide AND go to school. Regret.

I have a baby--oh I have the cutest baby girl around! I have a baby but I don't feel like a Mom. Why? Because I wake up at 6am--hours before she wakes up--I go to work. I work all day--calling whom ever happens to have her that day checking on her and telling her "I love you and miss you" through a telephone. They say she smiles when I talk--but I don't get to see the smile. She smells like there house when she gets home. MY baby smells like someone else. Oh, I'm beyond grateful for those family members that want to watch her, but it's still hurts. I bore her. I remember feeling those kicks in my tummy--so excited to be called Mommy!  That excitement has turned to pain. It's painful being a mom but not being a mom. Then after work I come home and HAVE to meet online with my group so I can actually get a decent grade in my math class. Then I scarf down dinner that I may or may not have to cook before hand because my husband is done watching the baby and it's my "turn" and she is screaming for me anyway. I see the dishes in the sink. I see the laundry on the floor--and in my heart I want to be a supermom, but I try--oh I try so hard to dedicate a little time to being a Mom instead. I love being a Mom. I love that small part of my life.  But my physical body is drained and I'm tired. So I'm a bad Mom. Instead I sit on the couch and get annoyed that the dishes are dirty, laundry isn't done , and that I had to work all day. I just need a break--I tell myself.  I regret feeling that way once I see my baby start to rub her eyes. She's tired and ready for bed. Then suddenly I miss her. I miss her even before she closes her eyes knowing I won't see her until dinner time the next day. I try and get her to cuddle--lay in bed with me-- anything really for another moment with her. But she wants to be laid down. So I lay her down. NOW I get time to relax?! But I see my husband standing in the hallway ready for some much needed attention. But we both have homework...so we settle in next to each other on the couch and have a romantic night doing homework and not talking or interacting at all. I'm lonely. Before I know it--it's 11 o'clock and I'm exhausted. I tell Dallas I'm tired and going to bed even though I'm not done with my homework and the dishes are still dirty and laundry isn't done. I feel like a complete failure but at this point I'm to tired to care.

I know there are people out there with bigger problems. I sympathizes for them. I have seen them with my own eyes. I have seen worlds flipped upside down with the news that there baby, or husband or Mom or best friend won't be coming home. I have seen with my own eyes the pain and fear in a parents eyes as there child get diagnosed with leukemia. I have seen the numbness. Staring at me in the face. I can't feel these peoples pain. I can't feel it--but I see it. I won't pretend I know how these people feel or that my problems are even comparable to there's, but it hurts. Life just hurts sometimes and it's okay to admit that.

Today my life hurts. Today I feel like a failure. But tomorrow I will wake up, and I will go to work and school and I will be a wife and mother because like it or not---life never stops. I wish it did sometimes though. And thats OKAY."

Is already MAY?

~**This girl LOVES her Daddy**~

~**Boise**~
**We went to Boise recently. It was such a great trip! ALL my brothers and sisters were there and we had a big BBQ! Kinzlee did SO well. I was really nervous, but she slept most of the way there, and she only cried for about 20 minutes on the way home. Dallas went to the hockey game with my brothers one night, and we just relaxed. We also found out that my sis-in-law Sharis is going to have a BABY!!! We are so excited for Kara and her new addition in Sept. and Sharis in Nov.! Bentley loved to hold Kinz...although she would only hold her for about 10 seconds. She will be such a great big sister!

 ~**One of my best friends Kallie has a little girl only a few months older then Kinzlee. We hang out with them a lot and there is no doubt these girls are going to BFF's one day! ha ha!**~

~**We went bowling for the first time with Kinzlee. I use to be a dang good bowler...then I got pregnant and could barley move...so we hadnt been bowling in a long time. I'm still a bit rusty but we are going to go more often with our friends Bobbie & Jose**~

~**Kinzlee's cousin Jackson gave her a new COOL toy! She seriously LOVES it! She's a funny girl...she likes to kick the toys instead of play with her hands. She has figured out how to make the music play by kicking really hard. Its so dang cute. Thanks Wes, Brooke, Cooper, and especially Jackson for the entertaining toy!**~

Kinzlee's Blessing

~**KiNzLeE's bLeSsInG dAy**~
**EaStEr SuNdAy MaRcH 31, 2013**


**We celebrated Easter this year by blessing our baby girl. She looked like an angel. My Mom bought her a pretty blessing dress--which fit perfect. Dallas gave her a beautiful blessing. There were many things said that I will forever remember. Kinzlee is an innocent perfect human being. Through the power of the priesthood and with her Daddy being the mouth piece of Heavenly Father--I know that he has an amazing life path for Kinzlee. As I have watched my nieces and nephews grow up--and now my own child--I have realized that they truly have been preserved for these days. They are so smart, so aware, and seem programed for a higher path then I could ever imagine. Every day I watch her grow---she grows physically, mentally, and socially--and although its sad to see her getting so big (I just love babies) I'm honestly enjoying every stage. I'm amazed everyday to see the things she learns and her progression. She makes my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. There was no better way to celebrate Christ's Resurrection this Easter Sunday then to hold our perfect baby, and to give our thanks to Heavenly Father for blessing our lives with Kinzlee Elizabeth Smith.**

Inadequacy of Motherhood

There is no such thing as inadequacy as a mother. Its hard. Its scary. But as long as we are trying things will work out. I always had a picture in my mind of how motherhood would be---I wasn't completely off, but its defiantly different then I expected. Its a lot harder. There is so much more worry. Im worried about her in the present and in the future. I think about her pretty much every second of everyday. Dallas and I are really trying to be good parents. And although there are a few things that Im NOT good at:
** I dont like to clip her nails so they are long until my sis/sis-in-law clip them.
** I'm still scared to feed her a bottle because she chokes(not so much any more but she use to), and I'm use to breastfeeding.
** I dont like hearing her sad or cry so the second I hear her sad I get nervous---especially when other people are holding her because I dont want them to think I have a fussy baby and I'm a bad Mom.
**I still dont like to take her in public that much---too many germ. (I need to get over this one)
**And many many more
BUT despite these things I'm not so good at, I also have many things that I am good at. I am trying so hard to be a good Mom. I love my baby more then I could even imagine. She is being raised by parents that care about her. She is being raised by parents that love her. She is a happy baby who loves to talk to us and be around us. There is no such thing as inadequacy of motherhood---as long as you are trying.